i need something to be scared of besides getting a broken heart or not "living my life to the fullest" it's bullshit, it's fucking bullshit i'm jealous of those living in fear somedays i'm beggin' to be taken outta here out of this world, this misery this eternal fucking struggle to stay young and happy

shave my head wear a cap cover up the things i lack there's hair on the tile, go grab the broom save my life if you have the room what room i speak the one spent on my back last week i'm weak those similarities are what i missed tonight

well i took one last drive down to boston to see if i still feel anything i took one last drive down to boston alone and as i stared out across the river, and my eyes rolled back in my head i knew at last what it felt like to be dead well she said "boy, you worry about the worst things, you know" so i put my thought inside a cage that fit just like a shell while i listed places been to, manhattan south of hell it took everything i had to not be everything i've seen well you knew just what i was and i know just what you mean guess i had to grow up sometime, i just didn't think it through what else could i do when i'm just a shell of man forced to lean on luck and left without a plan if i spent my life in a hole if i spent my life growing old i'd be fine with it if i was just with you

this house is haunted by the ghosts of everyone i've ever let down some live in the closet but two are sleeping in my parents' room right now it always happens that the apple never falls far from the tree but once it's free, it's free i can't stay and disappoint anyone else it may be home but it's starting to feel like hell maybe i broke the backs of the people that carried me i could've carried myself i'll start planning my escape but maybe it's too late.

'Till death do we part/ But that’s not nearly enough/ For I will be with her/ Even after we are gone/ She left/ She left/ My co-dependent/ My life, my bride/ When I was home, she would fight it/ But when I was gone, she would invite it/ My darling didn't try to carry on with her life/ But the sadness became too much/ And depression got the best of her/ The wife of a merchant sailor/ Followed her husband to sea/ Leaving the same port he had departed/ She slowly walked into the waves/ Even as they crashed at her face/ Soon submerged she continued on/ She would swim to him or she would drown//

As a kid I saw through open eyes from a beat inside my chest If a blessing is a lie, then I’m a gift called ignorance Inquire for attention; receive an empty hand A piss poor birth right, eighty-four, and long drives killed my innocence I spent miles so you could drive from pain And the time that you wasted in a life before my wake You bet your own worth, but now I’m paying for those debts Divorce your vows, but not your fucking kid You bought love with weekend money A new mom who said she loved me Write me a price tag that I’ll never answer for The kid inside died with the drives on eighty-four I thought I knew this would be something that I’d overcome But now I know that uneasy hands will keep driving Unstable minds will quit fighting, but you can keep driving I was raised by misdirection Keep driving; I was born to ease the tension A new life, how will you live it A new child, empty your wallet I lost youth in a life that won’t last I’m the reminder of your troubled past Keep on driving away; you’ll never turn back

This body is bones my soul's swimming in Words get lost in the swell sometimes You keep pulling at the thread for a clearer view Patterns pushing me, nervously to the brink You don't understand where I'm coming from And we don't see eye to eye You don't understand where I'm coming from You keep pulling at the thread hoping the pattern unravels out of sight This body is bones my soul's sinking in Love gets lost in the heat sometimes I can't think with all these sounds all around me Patterns pulling me, hopelessly to the brink You don't understand where I'm coming from And we don't see eye to eye You don't understand where I'm coming from You keep pulling at the thread hoping the pattern unravels out of sight We don't see eye to eye I keep yelling for you (I keep yelling for you) I keep yelling for you (I keep yelling for you) I keep yelling for you (I keep yelling for you) I keep yelling for you (I keep yelling for you) But you don't wanna hear, you don't wanna hear me No, you don't wanna hear, you don't wanna hear me Cause You don't understand where I'm coming from And we don't see eye to eye You don't understand where I'm coming from You keep pulling at the thread hoping the pattern unravels out of sight We don't see eye to eye

(Trust only two, just me and you, me and you, Trust only two, me and you.) When the movement stops, When your talking drops, I will drift away. And when your weight is pressed, Crushing my every breath, I'm left with nothing to say. Half the size of me, see parts that I can't see. Stuck in your bedroom and I'm searching for the light. Stepping on everything, break what our future brings. Losing what's left of my mind and my confidence, Losing what's left of your judgment and your common sense, Losing the best of times, erased them from my mind. These are times that I wish I'd rip my face apart. The blood lines, our blood lines, The silver lying of our youth. The end times, the end times, A thousand unrequited truths. I'm too tired, I'm too tired, You tear it all apart and preach rebuild, rebuild, but I'm still burning. In every decision, My hands are tied behind my back Increasing divisions, Too young for heart attacks I crumble, I can't stand, so tear it all apart and preach but I'm still burning. Watch me snap, look at my bones while they break. You look surprised, I see the sadness in your eyes. It's all I knew, it's all I knew me and you, It's all I knew me and you me and you me and you.

It isn’t hard to snap a neck with the weight of the world as leverage Lowered into a shallow grave of paycheck after paycheck Stuck between your wallet folds is the cash you got for the childhood you sold And now you’re wondering what happened What happened is: You sold your soul to buy the dream, You were convinced “it would never happen to me,” You bought a house with the money you saved, You found the “perfect “ wife who felt the same, You ate dinner every night at 8, and every weekend was exactly the same. Your perfect family became a machine and now there’s no escaping. This life we live, is it all a lie? Keep wishing your empty life was something more than wasted time Its all downhill from here, a slow death making love to your office chair When you come home late at night, the lights not on, there’s no one there. She left a long time ago with the money and the kids and the life you shared, now you’re left sleeping all alone in a bed for two piss drunk and miserable. Drowning in the cold sweats, you’re a nervous wreck as you soak up the fumes and the toxins. As you stare up at the ceiling fan you wonder to yourself “how the fuck did this happen”

It's crawling. Tear the flesh from my body so I can sleep comfortably. It's scratching. Digging. Clawing. How many pitfalls and setbacks until I become indifferent? How much longer until I have nothing? I'll hide inside, away from the light. Until I become bones. Until I become nothing.

My patience has worn thin the pressure cracks my ribs they all move their mouths to say nothing hoping it will give them something to mend what has been breaking so sick of the living that I don’t wanna live the rope isn’t long enough to pull me out so ill hang myself instead drown myself in the knee deep water in the hole ive dug my patience has worn thin the pressure cracks my ribs voices in my head at rest my body one with the earth

You make the hair on my neck stand up When you walk through the room so much tension no touch Eye contact for hours and hours on end This nights almost over i still don't even know you're name But i don't have the guts to walk over to you And i don't have the guts to talk to you And i can't find the courage inside of myself This nights almost over and I'll probably never see you again I lost my chance I lost my love No one Loves you Until You're gone But I don't have the guts to walk over to And i don't have the guts to talk to you I lost my chance when I froze up I lost my love and I'm giving up

boards too thin, i trapped myself into safety a swollen gutter, a stinging sanctuary but it changes shape and forgets its creator the whole harvest rots if the flood waters don't recede but the mahogany blur takes form specificity with all its white burn a gaze i barely met, my one good friend i watch the hemlock run from my veins and bestow itself unto him i know she always had a word of warning "keep your faculties clean, stay here with me, and bleach out all the brown that submerged all your white space" but it's my own hand that's feeding me and if i were to purge, what do you believe would remain with me and my "faculties" i suppose not even you would exist can't take my medium away from me beck and call is lost on wicked lucidity it wells up in me the door bursts open, tunnel vision sets in and surrounds it's the ferocity of mania effusing out a frantic scouring finds her crumpled to his seething breath compassion interrupted by the brunt of it you pushed my hand from the one thing it grasped at declaration a barb pilling my focus all this fabric was built to support you for all the heat in your hands you never bothered to extend now don't you try to get away from me put down that telephone, who are you kidding? you're not just going to abandon this malice in motion, some hands thrust forth a tangle of hair and nails is writhing underfoot narrative has ceased, just swinging endlessly a snarl of red and sound engulfs the entire scene motion stops and the camera pulls back formerly starved of catalysis just sink me back into greyscale whole body shaking and vision blurred the devil finds work for my idle hands the devil's workers are idle hands the devil finds work for my idle hands and they won't feed me again

Instrumental

the show's over and curtain's drawn so why am i still reading the lines? every word you said is stuck in my head with the ones i never did and i burned down with the best of it but you never took no for an answer maybe it didn't have to end this way if i wanted to be saved why can't i let go of the past? it has let go of me ever-present are missed chances for happiness between your sheets why can't i let go of the past? it has let go of me and all the souls my body rejected i crave, i crave, i crave i need to stop pretending i'm an island when i'm so hopelessly landlocked i'm always here i stay up late and i know you probably hate me but you're welcome back any time i'll be a voice i'll be an ear i'll be a shoulder and a lover's embrace consider this an apology consider me i hope you still do i consider you

I hope the plane crashes.

the lights dim in the house that i grew up in it's a shame that i watched it fade and decay with old age now it's every night that i wake in a cold sweat with my hands outstretched towards a life that i cant reach no matter how much blood i spend and i'm wasting from my body i'll try and replace it (our youth is dead so carry on without it) i'll tear in my guts for a reason to believe it but it's hard to find when nothings adding up it's hard to find when the basis of our youth is fleeting and all the castles that we built are crumbling down

he said "i stopped cutting up my arms cause my girlfriend hates the scars i'm sorry, part of that was a joke you can probably guess which part no one laughs at me anymore 'cause i lock my mouth up tight and i never leave my bedroom to face the judgmental daylight my fluorescent sun is much more kind it's been there for me on so many nights on the altar that i kiss offerings that i won't miss i know what it's like to be you i used to be like that too it was not so long ago baby it was not so long i remember the harsh sting of the winter air i recall the songs "on the first snow of the year i burned my skin." he said, "i don't care about anything"

Translation- I get it right from the book; double take in the section that needed all but a hook. And it's over strong woman... I saw you just for your looks. And you followed behind with a cold and steady look at my umbrella- and the rain hit you and you froze up. Because you do what you do, and you do this. The moment you say, what you think you are, unless you like to double up tricks electrified to your heart. No present idea of what record you’re playing, it’s hard to know what evil tricks are trying to push you away. So you fall in the rain you’re pulling out every page in the book, and you’re doomed, because you do what you do. Favorite, you’re my favorite, don't you know that it's true, don't you know that it's true? In a blue ink script I saw you pushing paper in ink; then the doctor came in he said the rules don't apply in the blues. And you do this, because you do, what you do. Someone famous gave you a hat trick. Pulled out an umbrella to brush off the rain. It's so nice to know you; couldn't feel wet skin unless I gave it, Gave it away. Couldn't feel bad for you. Couldn't feel good to know its right, And it's good. And yeah your looking for Jesus, out in the back. The moment you say, what you think you are, unless you like to double up tricks electrified to your heart. No present idea of what record you’re playing, it’s hard to know what evil tricks are trying to push you away. So you fall in the rain you’re pulling out every page in the book, and your doomed, because you do what you do.

I'm not a visionary, just make selfish decisions, I'm lacking conviction to say what I need to say You can call troubled minds, but I'll call it mine, the years that it took to say That you bring me down, with everyday Cause you're not around, and that's not okay I'm dying without you Take me back to those early days I'm trying to get through But you're just never listening And these cycles still destroy me, lying on my bed, lifeless to no end Dead on the ground with old habits to blame I'm done fighting myself for control of my name I'm reaching out my hand, but you won't understand I'm dying without you Take me back to those early days I'm trying to get through But you're just never listening I'm not waiting round' for you, not like you'd want me to And all the chances that you blew, I hope they get to you

These street lights won’t guide me home. No maps lead to where I’m going: a place to rest my head. The skyline is so unassuring. I’m not missing out. I’m doing just fine here by myself. I’m not the lonely one. I’m living just as well as anyone else. I’ve seen more than you could imagine, more than your chest can handle. Looking up, I see hollow eyes looking down on me. In an instant, I could sink them like a stone, cut their egos to the bone. Surrounded by ignorance, I am a monument. Walking by windows, I can see reflections of the dead, the ghosts of their own regrets patiently waiting to be taken home to rest. My home is where I left behind my legacy on a cardboard sign that reads, “As long as I have my peace of mind, this place can have the rest of me. As long as my words remain inscribed, this world won’t hear the last of me.”

lately it's been getting late but i'm not tired, and no thanks to sleepless nights spent burning with desire. so i'll get in my car. we drove to the shoreline with the check engine light on. we slept in a spare room, sparing no thoughts for our friends. and we're all going straight to hell for all the lies we tell ourselves. last night i wanted to leave all my friends out. desperate chance dragged me out of the sand. but chance's certain way of getting stuck on one small desperate action robbed me of all my good luck. why did i think i could make it better now? why did i think i could keep my feet on the ground? if i wake up and accidentally crawl into your arms, it's nothing personal. personhood has always seemed so strange. why do things always have to go and change? be better off if things just stayed the same. if i freak out and crash my fucking car into your house, of course it's personal. personhood has made me feel this way. why do things always have to go and change? be better off if things just stayed the same. i'm getting too old for this shit. i'm throwing fits and acting like a kid again.

I guess I'm over thinking everything, and the way shit used to be. Or how I piss and moan and what I can't control, as if I'm bracing for defeat. Still trying to make sense of growing up. Feigning hopefulness, and telling myself that I've learned enough to stay grounded in a city that's growing cold. When we turn the clocks back, I always lose my grip and self control. How can I grow to accept life's mediocrity? Should I be satisfied with betraying all that's close to me? How could it be that I'm dead to me? My parents keep on asking me what I plan to become because I've spent my fucking youth under a microscope of expectation. I'm running out of time to choose a meaningless career so I can give away my life and wait to die year after fucking year. Threw cash inside my rabbit hole, to further down my spiral. I'm falling back down, this isn't what I planned. Traded in my friends to find a way of making ends. Staying in, hour after hour, year after year and I'm still feeling like a coward. I feel like there's nothing left to lose. Maybe one day I'll just accept my fate. Who knew that 21 would feel this way?